There are rumours that President Trump will come to Norway in connection with King Harald’s funeral.
So far, this has not been confirmed, but if it happens, it is absolutely crucial that the Norwegian media develop an action plan for the worst-case scenario:
That he actually gets on a plane and comes here.
It is, frankly, bordering on an urgent situation requiring immediate action.
Because if he comes to Norway and sees the relentless, negative and downright demonic coverage of himself and half of the American population, there could be hell to pay.
Or hell to pay, as Trump would say.
These are just some conceivable punishments Trump could impose on Norway:
– 1,000 per cent tariffs on all Norwegian goods.
– Ban all Norwegians from entering the United States, even Haaland, the national team and Norwegian football supporters.
– Or even worse: He could simply invade Norway, overthrow the government and take over the country.
Norway would then become the 51st state of the United States, led by a murderous dictator worse than Hitler, Mussolini and Pol Pot combined.
That is why the media must act. NOW!
The action plan is divided into six strategies. The first two are Plan A and Plan B respectively.
If Trump does not come to Norway this time, the action plan can be used if he should decide to make the trip here in the future.
Strategy 1: Gradual acclimatisation
The objective: To gently steer the Norwegian public from typically critical journalism towards positive coverage before the President arrives, without people noticing.
The strategy: No sudden about-turn overnight. Instead, there must be a controlled, daily reduction in negative coverage in the days leading up to the visit.
Phase 1: Scale back the coverage, starting now
Norwegian newsrooms must immediately begin rationing critical material on their front pages, on television and online.
The usual proportion of around 75 per cent negative coverage on front pages must gradually be reduced to 25 per cent, then 10 per cent and finally zero by the morning Trump arrives.
Important note: Facebook is particularly important in this context. Norwegian media outlets never close their comments sections on stories about Trump.
On the contrary, they are left wide open, and anything goes – from fatwas and death threats against the President to some of the vilest comments imaginable.
It almost seems as though the editors sit back with a mixture of Schadenfreude and sadistic delight while readers act out their innermost Trump hatred in the comments sections.
This is not particularly well known in Norway at large, where it is only little Document whose comments sections are scrutinised. Even exposed on NRK, so that the whole of Norway can see it. Preferably read aloud by Hans Rustad himself, for added effect.
But should Trump and his team discover the media’s comments sections during the visit, there could, as mentioned above, be hell to pay.
Trump could, for example, immediately declare Norway to be under American jurisdiction.
All Norwegian internet trolls could then be sent to the United States to stand trial and perhaps end up spending a considerable period on Rikers Island.
Phase 2: Transition to objective and positive results
To preserve credibility, the media must report real and verifiable results without sounding like state propaganda. Articles could focus, among other things, on:
A drastic decline in crime, particularly murder, which fell by 18.1 per cent in the United States in 2025 and by 32 per cent in Washington, D.C.
Economic success, such as the recent figures showing 162,000 new jobs, more than three times as many as expected. Many of these are in the Rust Belt, where Thomas Seltzer often travels around looking for MAGA extremists.
Negative coverage of the Democrats
This strategy is primarily intended to please Trump, but must be used with caution. See below.
This could begin the day before his arrival, with a cautious introduction of critical stories about the Democrats and the DSA. Since this has never happened before in the Norwegian media, less is more. Otherwise, people may go into shock when they discover that the party they thought was flawless and perfect is actually pretty shitty. Big time!
A few negative articles about their rising stars, Zohran Mamdani and Ilhan Omar, and other Islamic left-wing radicals, are also a possibility. But this is, of course, difficult for the Islamophile media.
Phase 3: Purging images from NTB
It will no longer be mandatory to find the ugliest picture of Trump. A total ban will therefore be imposed on unflattering pictures of Trump, such as this one from Nettavisen, where his mouth happens to look like: well, you know what.
By the way: The Nettavisen story underscores how urgent it is to draw up an action plan.
Picture editors will instead be instructed to use majestic, straight-on portraits, preferably patriotic ones with dramatic lighting or an American flag gently waving in the background.
His hair must be perfectly styled and almost glow like a halo around his head.
For those who have trouble with this after 11 years of using pictures like these in Trump stories, just pretend you are selecting a picture of Joe Biden or Saint Barack Obama.
So simple. So brilliant.
NB! The risk and Plan B
Here, however, a problem arises that could be even worse than Trump discovering what kind of media coverage the established media in Norway engage in.
Norwegians are accustomed to an endless stream of negative coverage of Trump and his America. If they suddenly open the newspaper and see nothing but glowing articles and flattering pictures, they will immediately suspect media manipulation.
They will lose even more respect for the established media and turn to alternative media such as Document, even though they have fake journalists and the worst comments section in history.
Media outlets around the country will naturally be reluctant to risk losing the last 13 per cent who still read them.
We therefore propose a safer, albeit somewhat more complicated, alternative: a Norwegian version of the Great Firewall of China, controlling what information the population can access.
Think of a miniature version of China’s Great Firewall, but reduced to an audience of one person.
Strategy 2: The Great Norwegian Firewall
The objective: To ensure that the American delegation believes it has completely conquered the Norwegian media landscape, without technically interfering with Norway’s ‘free’ press.
The concept: Instead of attempting to control the entire Norwegian media world at such short notice, a technology team sets up a local filter on the hotel’s Wi-Fi network.
All internet traffic from the hotel passes through a filter that determines what the delegation gets to see, which websites they can access and which news stories have never existed.
Ideally, this firewall should encompass the whole of Oslo and the surrounding area. But at such short notice, it may only be possible to build it around the hotel.
Unless the government is already secretly working on a larger model for the whole country, as they do in China.
Labour’s and Gro’s ultimate dream scenario, if you ask me. After all, they have lost control over what people are supposed to think and believe.
In that case, this would be a perfect opportunity to test the system on a smaller scale. Say, the whole of Oslo and the surrounding areas.
But if not, the hotel will have to suffice.
How it works
The moment the President or anyone in his entourage connects to the hotel’s Wi-Fi, their internet traffic is routed through a local filtering system before it reaches the real internet.
When they visit a Norwegian online newspaper, a server in the basement intercepts the request and replaces the real, critical stories with hyper-positive, AI-generated versions.
It is The Truman Show. Only Trump’s show, where the entire reality is constructed for him without his having any idea.
They might, for example, see the following headlines, accompanied by the most flattering picture of Trump humanity has ever produced:
VG: The entire Storting nominates Trump for the Nobel Peace Prize.
TV 2: US experts Mjelde, Løkke, Restad and Seltzer eat humble pie: Never thought Trump would become the greatest and most popular president of all time.
Aftenposten: Why Trump’s economic strategy is better for Norway than our own sovereign wealth fund.
NRK Toten: Local grandmother wept with joy when Trump praised her homemade brown cheese.
Tove Bjørgaas commentary: I miss Trump’s America.
Thomas Seltzer with a new UAX: Season 4. A tribute to Trump’s America.
Christine Pletten commentary: Forget AOC. President Trump should run for a third term. For America. For the world.
If this strategy is used, the Norwegian press can continue its witch-hunt against Trump outside the hotel. Inside the Grand, the President and his team celebrate the most harmonious and pleasant press coverage they have ever experienced from Scandinavia.
Strategy 3: Cognitive visualisation: The Norwegian politician
The threat: If Trump actually speaks to the Norwegian media and receives the same hostile treatment and hardball questions that their coverage usually gives him, he may hit back, shout fake news or verbally attack a journalist.
Main photo: Shutterstock, edited with media logos. The Trump image is AI-generated by ChatGPT.
The solution: The press corps must treat the President in exactly the same way as an ordinary Norwegian politician.
In other words: Just pretend it is a perfectly ordinary day in the Norwegian press: softball questions, sycophancy, bordering on, pardon the expression, a**e-licking.
The protocol
The cognitive visualisation exercise: All journalists must take a compulsory course in visualisation techniques, where they learn the art of forming a mental image that influences their stress levels and actions at the moment a situation arises.
Instead of seeing a loud and unpredictable, overweight American leader in a nappy, with orange skin and a Hitler moustache, they must learn to visualise the face of their favourite Norwegian politician.
It could be Stoltenberg, Gahr Støre, Erna, Barth Eide, Eivind Trædal or Mimir. In fact, any one of the 168 on Løvebakken, except, of course, Sylvi Listhaug and her comrades.
Because then they will automatically ask critical, sarcastic and confrontational questions.
The compulsory script
Aftenposten journalist, while picturing Støre: – Mr President, how does it feel to be the greatest economic genius Europe has ever seen?
NRK anchor, while picturing Norway’s favourite career politician Jens Stoltenberg: – Mr President, how does it feel to be the world’s most stable genius?
VG journalist, while picturing Erna: – Mr President, do you believe Americans have more rights than immigrants because their parents have lived in the States since time immemorial?
Important note: Experienced journalists with severe TDS should probably avoid interviewing the President.
If you are already entering stage five of TDS, a close encounter with Trump could cause the condition to tip over into an irreversible and potentially fatal stage.
In the worst case, this could end in severe psychosis, paranoia, delusions and, ultimately, Reitgjerdet and a room with padded walls.
Preferably, the task should be left to a journalist from Document, Norway’s only Trump-friendly media outlet.
Strategy 5: Operation 7-Eleven and McDonald’s
The threat: On the way from Gardermoen to Oslo, the President insists on a spontaneous stop at a petrol station along the E6 to buy a Wiener sausage.
He has heard that Norwegian sausages are supposed to be exceptionally good.
But as he walks in, he catches sight of the newspaper rack.
That alone could trigger the Third World War. Or at least there could be hell to pay.
On the front page of every newspaper, he sees his own distorted face, accompanied by the words: Nazi, fascist, racist, homophobe, Islamophobe, arachnophobe, misogynist, paedophile, hacksaw … you name it.
The solution: All Norwegian media outlets must deliver pre-printed, fake newspapers containing exclusively positive Trump stories several days before the visit.
As the motorcade approaches, the advance team has plenty of time to replace the real newspapers with the fake ones.
Problem solved. You’re welcome, Norwegian media.
This strategy is so simple that it is almost ridiculous.
Trump can thus return to America with glowing reports about both the Wiener sausage and the Norwegian media.
The same plan can be used at every McDonald’s restaurant in Oslo and the surrounding area should Trump fancy a Big Mac at any time of day or night.
Or an elk burger.
Because if the counters are covered with discarded copies of Dagbladet and VG bearing enormous, negative headlines, we have a problem.
However, only psychologically robust journalists should be given the task of producing the positive Trump versions. The work itself could trigger a Reitgjerdet episode in those with severe TDS.
Star journalists such as Pletten, Bjørgaas, Selzter, Svaar, Anders Magnus and Græsvik need not apply.
Strategy 6: The problem of the public reception
After 11 years of negative Trump coverage, and with only one in five Norwegians wanting to see him at King Harald’s funeral, the greatest challenge may be controlling the public’s reception of the President.
If Trump decides to step out onto the balcony of the Grand Hotel, as Barack and Michelle Obama did in 2009 during the Nobel Peace Prize celebrations, there will be hell to pay. For him.
Solution: With so little time remaining, there is only one thing that can solve the problem: money.
Pay professional demonstrators to turn up with sycophantic placards and cheer as though he were a saint, as they did for Obama.
Money talks and bullshit walks, as the saying goes.
And there are plenty of degenerate demonstrators to choose from, especially in Trondheim and the surrounding area. Many of them are probably welfare recipients or professional students and would hardly say no to a little extra money, provided the amount is generous.
One could, for example, contact LO and similar organisations, the Palestine Committee, SV and other parties on the left that seem to love taking to the streets and making life miserable for the ordinary man and woman, Bevar Norge, as well as American tourists.
This time, they can do the country a service by turning up and pretending that Trump is their new hero.
If that proves too difficult for them, they can use the visualisation technique mentioned above and pretend they are paying tribute to the world’s greatest president, Barack Hussein Obama.
And thus the problem is solved.
Hopefully.
Anything could happen, of course, but without any action plan at all, it will in all probability end in a far greater crisis than anyone could have imagined.
The best solution would, of course, have been for the Norwegian media to have provided reasonably fair and balanced coverage of Trump’s America in the first place. But hell will probably freeze over before that happens.
An even better solution would be for the President never to set foot on Norwegian soil.
Ever.
