(The room in Parliament is filled with padded walls and gluten-free fog machines. Labour PM Jonas G. Støre sits on an ergonomic stool kneading a glowing red stress ball. The Socialist Left Party leader Kirsti Bergstø stands in full combat gear made of organic hemp and wildly brandishes a fabric machete in rainbow colours.)
Gang of foreign youths attack 17-year-old graduation celebrant on Norway’s national day
BERGSTØ: Jonas! The system is failing again! Bergen on 17 May: A blåruss was unfortunately deconstructed into minced meat on the asphalt by a vulnerable and searching youth gang. It is the Progress Party’s responsibility!
STØRE: Yes. I register that an asymmetrical interaction has taken place, Kirsti. We are following the incident with deep concern and coordinated passivity.
BERGSTØ: Good! Because the violence… eh… the interaction is not the problem. The problem is that people saw the violence. Jon Engen-Helgheim shared the video! Unblurred! He committed the racist assault against the privacy of the five vulnerable individuals who punched, kicked, broke, twisted, tore and spat in pure insecure eagerness! The system must punish the documentation, not reproduce the misd… eh… the deed!
STØRE: That is a solid legal point, Kirsti! The perpetrators have a right to anonymity during the actual exercise of violence… eh… interaction. That ensures the sociocultural balance. We must protect the victim-perpetrators from the brutal majority’s judgemental and diversity-deficient attitudes.
BERGSTØ: Precisely! The five youths are victims of systemic and far-right exclusion! And we lack youth clubs! Too little funding for norm-critical carpentry and baking! That blåruss provoked them by openly walking around with his own jaw, with his bourgeois dominance behaviour and his expensive russ cards! The misdeed… eh… the act was a desperate cry for help in the form of distributing broken jaws, broken bones, broken ribs, hatred and concussion!
STØRE: But Jan Bøhler says that the snitch culture is paralysing the courtrooms? That witnesses are beaten up before they manage to give testimony?
BERGSTØ: (Dismisses it with a violent sweep of the rainbow machete, and the fabric scraps fly everywhere)
Bøhler is trapped in the past! These are not threats, this is snitch regulation functioning in practice! An organic, multicultural justice system! The witnesses merely display a lack of ability for total submission and diversity illusions!
STØRE: Quite right, yes, you are probably correct about that! A lack of willingness to change. I must ask Ursula, but that can wait… But what about the schools where ethnic Norwegian pupils are rumoured to convert or be pressured into wearing hijabs in order to avoid beatings, violence and threats?
BERGSTØ: Damn it, Jonas! That is integration in practice! Express integration! They are adapting to the majority in the schoolyard. It shows great sociocultural flexibility. And why must the majority always be so Western, un-hijabic and provocative? It creates polarisation, and you know that!
STØRE: You are right about that. Forced diversity of change is always the solution! Polarisation is the real enemy, Ursula has said that many times as well. And if we speak too loudly about religion, culture, knives and machetes, employers will become sceptical. Then nobody will hire law-abiding immigrants. The solution is obvious. We must lie more!
BERGSTØ: Yes! We must lie, lie and lie! Obscure! Suppress! For the sake of the colourful future!
STØRE: Uncompromising concealment! We must consistently reduce dominance violence and humiliation robberies to socio-economic differences and victim interpretations. If we admit that it is caused by culture, the racism spectre wins. We protect the minority best by denying what they do. That is what Ursula calls genuine and European diversity-of-change hyper – something or other.
BERGSTØ: Yes! Politically correct fear of contact is our sharpest and most effective weapon! Constant hypermoral idealisation! And if reality does not correspond with our theory, then we ban reality!
STØRE: (Rises and takes out a roll of light green Green Party censorship tape, which he wraps around his head and over his mouth while speaking.) Then we are agreed. We are appointing a fourteenth committee, THE SOCIOCULTURAL CHANGE AND FOG COMMITTEE, DSEOT, which shall investigate why the victim stood in the way of the violence… eh… the instrument. This committee shall work together with THE NATIONAL COMMITTEE FOR ASYMMETRICAL DIALOGUE PREVENTION AND PROACTIVE JAW PLACEMENT SENSITIVITY, DNUFADOPKS. DSEOT shall furthermore be led by a Swedish sociologist and three experts in vegan conflict reduction.
BERGSTØ: (Claps ecstatically with the fabric machete, which has torn in half) Oh, beautiful, Jonas! Absolutely magnificent! Then the committee can conclude that the blåruss in Bergen in reality carried out a gross, diversity-deficient and racist assault against the five boys’ right to kick, punch and thrash wildly and blindly!
STØRE: Precisely. We must research whether it was the jaw that sought out the shoes and fists, or whether the shoes and fists were socioculturally triggered by the jaw’s bourgeois presence. The mandate is crystal clear: The truth shall remain fixed, diverse and willing to change, so long as we do not have to look at it. We are following the situation closely every minute, extremely obscured, floating and indistinct. And we must immediately instruct NRK for the ninth time this morning.
BERGSTØ: The struggle continues against the actual victims! For the sake of the diversity-of-change system!